No, this isn’t a heartwarming essay about truly needing nothing for Christmas but world peace. It’s about true greed and the darker side of my humanity. Christmas is coming, and it’s a chance for me to outline my want list, at price levels all of my relatives can enjoy. From my nearly-penniless older daughter, to my money-hoarding 9-year old with her own money market account (exaggeration), to my lovely and well-meaning wife whose budget is reduced by my sporting expenditures (euphemism), to rich benefactors who are circling my blog (fantasy), I can provide a Christmas gift buying opportunity for everyone.
Ranked in order from mere pennies to requiring a briefcase full of cash, here are a few of my unmet needs for fiscal 2009:
Owner Walleye Snells
My favorite way to catch walleyes. Elegance in simplicity, with a super-duper penetrating hook. I’ll probably have to give my near-penniless daughter five bucks to buy these for me, so move down the list if you’re an adult with a job.
Gulp! Alive Angleworms
Because I still believe those TV ads and I haven’t tried every variety of Gulp yet. And because if I can ever get any of it to work it will further my laziness by reducing my commitment to keeping live bait alive.
Crappy old fishing rod from a rummage sale
So that I have a “throw-down” I can break when I’m enraged in the boat at losing a trophy fish, rather than breaking the good ones. And I can use it for a “loaner” when I go fishing with that guy down the street who always bugs me to take him fishing, but whom I would rather not trust with a hundred-dollar rod.
James Prosek books
The only one I have is Early Love and Brook Trout. I need the rest for my winter emotional stability. Amazon.com has free shipping specials. Be generous.
Fleeced, by Dick Morris
A book about the fleecing of America. Because I’m a conservative masochist who likes to be reminded of the drunken sailors in Washington spending my money.
A 5 wt fly rod, a little on the short side
This would be used for therapeutic creek fishing (again an appeal for my health!) to match up to the G Loomis reel my dad found on the side of the road and gave me because I’m his favorite son.
4-12 x 40 scope—Leupold, Burris, Nikon preferred—not an adjustable objective
My Kimber 25-06 is very lonely right now, and suffering from near-sightedness. It would be a great boost to the poor little Kimber’s self-worth and ability to function in outdoor society.
Benelli M-2 Field 12 Ga.
Any of the stock configurations will do. Picking camo patterns is kind of like my wife picking paisley or plaid. I would look beautiful in either one.
Jeep Wrangler Unlimited
Well, I can dream a little, can’t I? Maybe that millionaire guy who gives away his money will read my blog, cry a little, and write a check to stimulate the economy. I’ll even take the Baby Poop Yellow one or the Rabbit Dropping Green one.
Joe Biden’s Beretta
He said during the VP debates that he wouldn’t let Barack Obama come for his shotgun. I’m giving him a chance to sell it to me (or to a benefactor who will then present it to me) so that he doesn’t have to go through that humiliation.
Of course, what I really want for Christmas is to be the guy who needs nothing. And you can help me eventually get there by making sure I get everything I want.
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