I am angry and frustrated, feeling helpless wondering what, if anything, I can do, yet I continue to come up with no solutions. My frustrations grow. I decided instead of continuing to let my ire fester, I would at least write about what is so irritating to me in hopes that perhaps just one person would read this and change their thinking process when it comes to dealing with family as they age.
I will not use names because doing so would accomplish nothing. I have a friend, a hunting companion, a father, a husband, a stalwart in his community and a good and decent man. I know of nobody that dislikes this guy, except perhaps his own son. You see my friend has very little to live for anymore and I wonder if that’s what his son is hoping.
This began a few years ago when my hunting friend decided to retire. He and his bride soon discovered they could not afford to keep the home they had lived in for many years. They sold it and moved into a subsidized housing complex. This is when the son took over.
He took away his father’s car keys and sold his car. He got the cooperation of a local doctor to declare that the man has Alzheimer’s and then proceeded to get his drivers license taken away too. If that wasn’t enough, the son took charge of his finances and wouldn’t allow his parents any money for anything without his approval. Going to the grocery store was a humbling experience.
Fortunately, my friend has many friends and can quite easily get a ride to the grocery store if he asks. Once there, he can shop but when it is time to check out, he must first have his son paged over the store intercom, as his son works at this grocery. The son comes and approves the food they bought and then writes a check to pay for his approved grocery list.
The abusive humiliation of two grown and respected adults, both of whom don’t want to estrange their own son, continued. Soon both parents were moved to a local nursing home and assisted living place. The abuse continued. Mind you this is not physical abuse as so often that’s the only kind we hear about. This is mental abuse. Anyone who cares and has an ounce of passion knows that the worse thing you can do for elderly people is take away the only things that give them happiness.
The mother’s health continued to fail until just recently she passed away. The son told people he knew that his father was so mentally strife with Alzheimer’s he wasn’t even aware his wife had died. This taking place all the while the father attend church services locally as he had done for years, thanking everyone for the kindness and compassion they had shown during the struggles they faced before and after the passing of his longtime bride.
I have known this man for many years but not nearly as well as many others. We all agree there is nothing wrong with our friend that doesn’t afflict anyone as they approach 80. It is frustrating that our health and social systems have grown to a point where one son can employ the assistance of one doctor in order to render a man’s life nothing worth living for. It is utterly disgusting, yet unless the father wants to speak up and fight against his own son, nothing can be done. My heart aches!
Our good friend had a glimmer of hope for his future. You see he has been coming to the same hunting camp as I have gone to for over 50 years. I don’t think I would be remiss in saying that he lived for his week at hunting camp. Last year he didn’t come to camp because he didn’t want to leave the bedside of his dear wife. His love for her certainly superseded his years of memories and love for hunting camp.
This year he filled out his application to receive his lifetime hunting license which is something that the state of Maine offers. He got it recently in the mail and he also had applied for one of Maine’s Any-Deer permits, also something he was drawn for.
His son found out about the lifetime hunting license and promptly went about his abusive ways to further demean his father by having his hunting license revoked.
Our dear friend hasn’t much to look forward to anymore. He’s lost his wife, he has no possessions (all of his guns had been removed years ago), he’s not allowed to walk next door to the coffee shop – what’s the point?
All who know him agree that he is healthy with a sharp mind. As a matter of fact, he needs to find another place to live other than the assisted living quarters. Is this what a facility should do to a sick man? The only man that is sick here is the son. He needs to be locked up and had a psychiatric evaluation done.
I would have no problem walking beside him in the woods with a loaded weapon, yet somehow our system has morphed into one where an old person can have their life taken away with little if anything to say about it.
At times I want to blame him for not fighting against his own son but it is not in his make-up to do that. That is the kind of man he is – kind, caring and gentle, the salt of the earth.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I implore you to think long and hard at how you treat your elders. They may be old and forget for a minute what happened 5 minutes ago, but does that render them dangerous, worthy of having their life stolen from them?
We should be respectful and work hard to make sure our elders have the highest quality of life they can. Shame on the man who wants to destroy his own blood and for what purpose. I don’t understand.
Tom Remington
