It seems everyone wants to share a joke with me today. I’ve picked out a few that would be appropriate here, even though one does push the envelope a bit. Thank you to everyone sending me a good chuckle this morning.
#1
The Pond
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast —
#2
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
There were two trees, a beech and a birch, that stood side by side, growing in the northern Maine woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, ‘Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?’
The Birch says he cannot tell, but just then a Woodpecker lands on the sapling. The Birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?
The Woodpecker drills a small hole in the sapling, takes a taste of the wood and replies in a slightly condescending tone: “It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever poked my pecker into!!!
Yikes!
#3
A man from Idaho was out hunting in his favorite strip of woods one day and ran into two hunters from California. One of the two men had bagged a nice 4×4 mule deer and they were dragging it out of the woods.
The Idaho hunter noticed the two California hunters were dragging the deer out by the hind legs. He said to them, “You know. If you pulled that deer by the horns, it would drag a lot easier.”
With that the Idaho hunter went on his way, while the two from California took him up on his advice and began dragging the deer by the horns. After about an hour, one hunter said to the other, “That guy was right! This thing sure does drag a lot easier this way.”
The second guy responded with: “That’s for sure but I think we are getting a lot further away from our truck.”
Tom Remington
