So what’s a big ol’ pile of farmers to do when it’s too rainy to plant the corn? Well obviously the first and second choices are domestic violence and bestiality. But then what? Talk about the Wildcats of course. So in the interest of protecting innocent women, children, and sheep, we’ll join the fray.

First, let’s go back a couple of months to the search for a new president. You may remember that K-State had it narrowed down to three potential “finalists”, Robert Kennedy, Steve Ballard, and Kirk Schulz.

Then Mr. Ballard visited Manhattan and the wheels fell off. As quickly as possible he withdrew his name saying, “The simplest reason is that Kansas State just didn’t feel as good to me as ECU does. You always learn something interviewing for competitive positions, and this one reminded me what a great place ECU is and how much I like working with the people here.” Translation: “Jesus Christ that place sucks. It smells like cows and it’s in the middle of nowhere. South Carolinians may be fairly ignorant but it’s nothing compared to K-State. Please don’t make me go there.”

Next to bail was Robert Kennedy of Maine. He also withdrew his name from consideration after a visit saying, “While I appreciated the opportunity to be considered for the Kansas State presidency, I am delighted to be continuing in my role at the University of Maine.” Translation: “I’d rather have my nuts frozen to a light pole during an entire Maine winter than spend another hour around those people.”

So that left poor Kirk Schulz as the last guy to withdraw his name. Imagine reverse musical chairs where if you’re the last guy sitting someone smashes your brains in with an 8 pound sledge then puts a purple hat on your now deformed head. For his part Dr. Schulz put on his game face saying, “Noel and I have been very impressed with the passion K-Staters have for their university, and we look forward to being the two newest members of the K-State family.” Translation, “These guys are fucking retarded. If I’d know the other two dudes were dropping out I’d never have let it get this far. I was sure there was no way I could get the job, those other guys have experience leading colleges and I’ve just been an administrator for 2 years. I was just practicing my interviewing skills for a job I really want.”

“On behalf of more than 155,000 graduates, we look forward to the Dr. Schulz administration. We’re very proud of our K-State family, and we know our alumni and friends are excited to welcome him, his wife, Noel, and their family to the university,” Amy Button Renz, president and CEO of the K-State Alumni Association said. Translation, “If we don’t win 10 football games next year you’ll be on the hot seat.” She also said, “We also are grateful to Chair Nelson Galle and the search committee for doing an outstanding job of seeking input from many alumni, faculty, staff, students and the Manhattan community during this process.” Translation, “When 66% of your “finalists” don’t even want the job what the hell have you been doing?”

Oh but if only that were all the news…

Then came the new Athletic Director. Learning from their mistakes, the University chose not to publicly announce the status of the various candidates this time around. When the dust settled John Currie was left standing. While Mr. Currie had recently been passed over by NCAA athletic juggernaut Middle Tennessee State, that just meant he was slotted perfectly for KSU. As is often the case, KSU was excited to get a Sun Belt Conference castoff. There was no public mention of how many candidates removed their name from consideration this time.

When told about his school’s new AD archetypical K-State fan Mathew Hedberg responded, “Oh we’re winning the National Championship for sure now.” When reminded that the Athletic Director probably won’t have an immediate influence on the field Mr. Hedberg responded, “Athletic Director? I thought the AD started between the shooting guard and the power forward in that game with all the black people.” When it was pointed out that the position he was thinking of was small forward and the sport was basketball he just started mumbling incoherently about Darren Sproles and the, “Glory Days.” When it was explained that the, “Glory Days” included 1 conference title and no BCS wins Mr. Hedberg simply cried.

So now with the President and AD firmly confined in their offices what could possibly be next?

How about Fred Brown and Buchi Awaji both leaving the basketball program citing the fact that they couldn’t listen to another season of Frank Martin’s crying about the NCAA selection committee ignoring a team so average it lost to San Diego State in the second round of the NIT. Baylor should have been the next Big 12 team in.

Or we could talk about K-State’s stunning 11th place finish in the academic rankings for Big 12 basketball teams. This was actually an improvement from last year when K-State’s players were so stupid they lost a scholarship. The cutoff for sanctions was 899 and K-State scored a whopping 900. Only Iowa State was worse.

Or what about the now infamous secret deal between Ron Prince long time K-State henchman Bob Krause. The good news is that K-State has found a new low in shady business dealings. This thing makes no-show jobs in New Jersey waste management look legit. Jesus.

Well, hopefully I’ve given you something to discuss amongst yourselves. And remember: hit the sheep, have sex with the wife, not the other way around.

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